Hey, Magic Crazy Bear...my lost love...I have been thinking of nothing but you of late [and much of the time, since you died].
Today is that day I have dreaded - the one year mark since you went away, and are no longer able to share our love and experiences - life's and our personal adversities and triumphs together.
Yesterday I dared to go to Prokopske Udoli for the first time since we were last there. It was a bitter-sweet experience, for sure. I was at the pond you always loved and swam at, saw the animals you played with, walked along the creek and remembered the hundreds of times we were there.
I stood outside our home there and remembered you sitting outside and being so proud of 'our house in the country' with its garden you played in. I followed the narrow path we walked every day and thought of all the great times we had there - playing by day and sitting and watching the sky at night by the fire..
My heart was in pain; my mind numb or in flames - alternately. I miss you profoundly Magic Crazy Bear, and the 'magic' has definitely faded from my life, with your leaving. I never told you, but the last time we drove back from your favorite lake I thought to drive the car fast into a bridge and take both of our lives together..this was just three days before your leaving (and I knew it was to be surely soon) - and I still sometimes regret I did not.
I did not because I knew the stupid authorities here would have refused my request to be buried together, so I didn't...to ensure at some point we shall be. I've put in my will that when I die we WILL lie together, along with my mineral collection and both of our other most beloved possessions.
Forever together, side by side....awaiting the Earth to be absorbed by the sun expanding as it dies and our atoms mingling with those of our ancestors and eventually being strewn out into space and time - to who knows what. We will join the elders of us both and be together again.
All my human friends thought I was crazy saying I'd never recover from your death, but I knew otherwise and was correct. I never have - never will. You changed my life Magic Crazy Bear.
I guess one can't know this kind of pain without having been so much in love, but sometimes it is more than I can bear. Not an hour goes by when I don't think of you and what we were doing where I am, or at some place or time other. You are in my mind and heart always and your image, nor my love for you have faded one scintilla.
Without you, I am a ship with no wind in its sails. Many try to remind me what you would have wanted for me after your leaving - and you would have, of course, wanted nothing but the best - but that doesn't satisfy somehow. You changed my life.
When I met you I was lost and broken - alone. You gave me new hope and a reason to live - even changed things into a very pleasurable existence together. Every day was mostly dedicated to you, and making your life as nice as it could be - and you gave me back more than I ever gave to you.
After so many losses in my life, yours was a huge blow - and the one that has been hardest to get over. My parent's deaths were difficult, but they had lived long lives. You not. You never got to grow old, and we were robbed of perhaps seven more years together - just when situationally things were getting better and stable. None of that would have happened, without you, love. How can I repay you now?!
I guess I am doing so with this website and the book I'm working on, about our life together. Some will be shocked at the political things we were working on; at all the places we had been; and the many and varied things we did and how we lived, at times. So be it. Truth is truth and I'm not ashamed of anything we ever did or were - and proud as a being can be to have been your partner and had the privilege of your love, company and wisdom.
You taught me more, than I ever taught you. Your tender love for me matched anything I could have given you, and then some. I love you Magic Crazy Bear! I miss you painfully. I am much diminished by your not being here, and can only take some small solace in the wonderful, but painful memories of the splendid being you were, and the all-to-brief times we shared.
They were unequaled in my life. They were the most magical and wonderful of my life - they were all of yours. So many tell me how lucky you were to have had me as a companion. While that may be true, few realize it really was I that was the more lucky to have had the unique and magical experience of learning from and loving and being loved by you - of sharing all we shared. Most don't understand that you taught me to speak Malamute and we communicated fluently with each other - as freely and completely as any two of our own species.
I drew such great strength from you and your presence and love with/for me. Now I struggle to find such strength and usually fail utterly, to be honest. You were meaning. You were love. You were companionship and unconditional positive regard - repaid in kind and with the highest infinite regard of you as an advanced being. Many laughed when I told them you were a Tibetan Bhuddist, but we knew you were. Many laughed and laugh still at what I attribute to you. Let them laugh. We know.
The man who fell in love with a Malamute. (Your love and devotee, forever.) I will never forget. Forever in my life will be an almost infinitely large gaping hole you once filled to overflowing with love.
We go to the mountains tomorrow - you're ashes, though heavy, are no burden and will be in my backpack. Oh, though how I wish you were here with me, as before.
The tears today are non-stop and my heart is heavy as a being can bear, my Magic and Crazy Bear........................
Peter
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Main Page HERE
Why Magic Crazy Bear is So Special! HERE
From The (Broken) Heart of Magic Crazy Bear's Human HERE
Crazybear's 7th Birthday Card HERE
Crazybear's Legacy HERE
Contact and Foundation Page HERE
Newest Photos HERE
Crazybear's Pedegree HERE
Canine Quotes HERE
Canine Cancer Links HERE
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Updated June 19, 2008